Thinking out loud

Doctor’s appointment and the most recent blood test results were normal. The blood test was done because the doctor had doubled my dosage of Ramipril to 5mg.

I showed the doctor a chart and data for my blood pressure. I showed how my blood pressure had gone down prior to medication (though still too high) and that it has not gone down since taking Ramipril. In fact, my blood pressure has been higher since the dosage was doubled to 5mg. Doctor said it showed the dosage was not enough, I strongly disagreed. I said it clearly showed it’s the wrong medicine; that the numbers were going in the wrong direction. I am sure the doctor would of felt justified if I had showed him lower numbers.

I told the doctor I am stopping the tablets for a month to give my body a rest. I explained that my body was not used to daily medication; that I have always resisted medication, only taking tablets when I absolutely need them. A good example of this is when I take an anti-histamine for itchiness. I don’t take anti-histamine often, maybe once every month or so, but once I’ve taken it the effect lasts for several days.

I requested to see a specialist for my blood pressure. The doctor said he would make a referral to a cardiologist at the hospital but said I was wasting my time as he would come to the same conclusion.

Maybe I am taking a risk with my body by suddenly stopping medication. We shall see how my body reacts, but that thought simply re-enforces how negative it is to make people dependent on drugs.

The doorbell rang, what did mum say? - “Mark, there’s someone at the door”

“errr, yes mum, I know, that’s why the doorbell rang.. that’s what it does.. it tells me someone is at the door”

There is a widely overrated and misplaced saying, “money can’t buy you happiness” - how I loathe those words. They are for the poor of mind, giving some comfort where money or happiness is lacking.

With money we can help to improve the quality of life for other people. Money can buy food, water, warmth, shelter and vaccines. Giving - and that includes money - brings me happiness.

It’s important for us to remember, “money” and “happiness” are not for comparison. But unfortunately for some, placing both words together speaks of morality; that somehow money holds more bad than good. The truth is, there are bad people with money, there are good people with money.

And when it comes to love or friendship, there are people that positively run from money. They avoid people with money because it’s not romantic enough, it wouldn’t give them a Hollywood ending, where romance wins over money.

And then there’s the Great British love affair with Robin Hood; take from the rich to give to the poor - the romance lives on. A lot of people in the UK love to talk of the “filthy rich” - ah yes, bankers, let’s screw them all… they couldn’t possibly be giving people, right?

If we must use both words together - money and happiness - then maybe it’s better to say, “happiness is not gained from objects alone.. happiness can be gained by investing in people”.

The truth of money and people is respect for both. Understand that for many people, it goes easier than it comes. Take it, use it wisely, be kind to others - just don’t run from it.

Today I had a strange dream and a revelation. It was a nightmare…

It was late at night and I had accidentally strayed into a strange community. A gang of people surrounded me, demanding money. I ran from them and into a shop seeking help, but instead of helping me the shop owners said it was my fault; that I should of said sorry and that it was also polite I pay them money. Fearful for my life I said, “sorry” but they said, “sorry” was not the right word, I must say the word “eleven”. Again I ran away, through the town, hoping to leave the madness behind… but it seemed never ending… and then I woke up.

For a moment I thought, “phew, just a dream” but then I quickly realised I had woken from a dream into a world that is sometimes just as crazy. The difference was in how I chose to reason and react to the world around me. We do indeed live in a mad world.

From a young age, I kept a deep rooted feeling of life after death. I can not tell you for sure if it’s going to be life in eternity or life in rebirth. I could answer, “maybe , maybe not”, but I think a more valuable question might be, “What if I’m wrong.. what if there is more?”

I have been to just a few funerals in my life, each time with unconditional respect for loss. However, with all the funerals, I had a greater belief that these people were now in a better place and looking down on us with a greater understanding. That feeling was reinforced when my dad died; I don’t want to get it wrong and I don’t want to leave it to chance; dad is now in a better place.

And after death, whether I am chosen to be with loved ones again or not, I wish their eternal happiness in front of my own. Dad was inherently giving and forgiving, he absolutely deserves happiness in eternity.

But what of longevity on earth? We may be born to die, eventually, but modern science is allowing us to live much longer. Religion aside for a moment, body part replacements and regeneration is going to be fantastical; giving the human body a possibility of living for hundreds of years. How people and society will react is unknown, though I suspect it will be met with troubled times and with a greater urgency to understand the values of life and death.

However long we live within the material world, the duration is small compared to eternity. There is a larger existence beyond our own life. Our inevitable death makes us a part of that existence, whether you call it science or whether you call it God. Thus our death becomes a part of the bigger picture, our birthday to another life, or our birthday in eternity.

Living with the possibility of God means we are living in the light of eternity, shinning upon us. The more we understand this, the more we think about our responsibilities on earth.

Dad died 8 May 2011. A date and time for which no one could predict. I remember our last conversations, normal, happy, without concern or alarm. Two days later, I remember hearing his voice through an oxygen mask as he was being carried to an ambulance.

I remember seeing him sedated, his body connected, wired and tubed. His skin cold, his body dependent on machines. He knew it was serious, he knew this could be it, his last moments with us. I remember dad in intensive care, he looked at me as though he needed one last look, a final memory.

Every day we waited, hanging on every call from the hospital. Then his heart stopped… and it stopped again… and then his body died.

When dad died it created a void. When you dig a hole there is at least a space to be filled. But a void goes beyond emptiness, it’s an irreversible feeling of loss. Perpetual loneliness comes close.

On Father’s Day I was laying flowers on dad’s grave, There he was, in a coffin, just ten feet down, with pictures of me, mum and Emilio. I watched as other families visited their dad and I realised I had never truly imagined that day. And it wasn’t just Father’s Day; anniversaries, birthdays and Christmases will never be the same. A sad truth, that in times of celebration, there’s always someone crippled by the hand of grief.

A few days after dad’s death, mum was admitted to hospital with heart failure. Coming home from the hospital, walking into the family home, empty for the first time. A week later, mum returned home; I was spared the pain of loneliness yet living with a void in my midst.

They say, “life goes on”, but the unwilling are slow. Dad’s belongings must be moved or sold, used or treasured. As days go by, dad enters my dreams, now the only place to be. And I awake to meet the void and I reflect on past times, I must follow his example; to be as giving and as endlessly forgiving, to be as kind and as humble.

Dad you have touched my heart and I love you, I miss you, always.

Apparently, when someone dies, the Department of Work and Pensions automatically informs TV Licensing, who in turn cancel the “free” TV license to persons over 74. It’s also a foot-hold to pursue new “occupiers”.

The reverse is not true. Persons over 74 must prove their age to receive a valid TV license, why isn’t it automated? Which makes me wonder, how many people pay when they are entitled to a free or reduced rate TV license?

I was about two years old when my brother died, he would of been maybe 6 months old at the time. Being so young, I have no memory of him. We might say those circumstances allowed me to live a “normal” life with minimal pain, after all, how can anyone miss something for which they never had?

But like the words of this page, flowing past you, through you, the facts are inescapable. My brother’s existence, however short, was real. At first I did not understand. Nor did I feel the depth of loss for what could of been. Such decisions, after all, are at the hands of God.

And so with a twist of fate, after many years, my son too has grown up and does not know me. The opportunity to share birthdays, holidays, work days, Father’s day, irreplaceably lost. Instead, my son was fed the dirtiest of lies by his mother to satisfy her own selfish needs, to keep her “baby”.

A supplanted reality, an exchange of possibility. That my son has, in fact, grown up with memories of laughter and sadness, not with his father but behind painted walls. Those walls are not shields, they are colourful masks, manufactured to hide the truth. Meanwhile, every day, I feel a pain and anger which never dilutes.

Unlike the story of my brother, this one ends with a simple and certain truth. A time will come when my son can choose to reunite and start a new chapter in life.

As an online webcam operator, I am sometimes asked about the implications of privacy. For me the answer is simple, privacy in public is something of an oxymoron. What is it that someone could do in public that might also be considered private? - cheating on a partner or skipping work is not exactly the best of excuses. And I think it’s equally reasonable to ask, with 6 billion people on the planet, who is ever going to care or remember one person and one moment in time?

Don’t misunderstand me, there is another side which I very much appreciate. For example, if someone is using an ATM then I fully expect that someone else is not zooming in to see the PIN. This is a very good example where existing systems fail because they are closed; a few “trusted” people abusing their position. Conversely, I have always supported open systems, where everyone equally can see what is going on, transparency is an essential component of trust.

The international development secretary is describing the response to Pakistan’s floods as “woefully inadequate”. He doesn’t blame Pakistan’s international reputation - madness!

So let me cite a recent example, when Cameron recently commented about the Pakistan government:

But all we cannot tolerate in any sense the idea this country is allowed to look both ways and is able, in any way, to promote the export of terror whether to India, whether to Afghanistan or to anywhere else in the world … Pakistan needs to do more to shut terror groups down.

He may well be right and negative images like that are not in short supply.

Social media is disruptive for sure but the impact of mass media is also very much alive. Let us remember when the BBC refused to broadcast a DEC charity appeal for Gaza, in the name of “impartiality”. Who was looking both ways then? Clearly there are times when the mass media plays a role in challenging and influencing our beliefs.